10 of the Worst Songs of the 70s

The 70s gave us some amazing music: The Eagles, Zeppelin, Fleetwood Mac, Pink Floyd, and peak-era Stones. But you can’t deny there was some irretrievable dreck, especially on AM radio. As if Watergate, shag carpeting, and the sheer gross tonnage of polyester clothing weren’t bad enough, we had to contend with awful songs like “The Streak.”

But the following songs make the aforementioned sound like it was written by Mozart. Ladies and gentlemen, we present ten of the worst songs of the 70s.

LET HER IN/John Travolta (1976)

In the grand tradition of other TV stars, Travolta took the popularity of his “Vinnie Barbarino” character from Welcome Back, Kotter, and tried a singing career. What’s most amazing is that this track is from his SECOND album. Yes, folks he did two; this song reached Number 10. Two years later, his, um, “vocal chops” would appear again in the monster hit movie, Grease.

HALF-BREED/ Cher (1973)

Cher had several songs bemoaning outcast status (like “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves”) and this song falls right into that category. A video on the popular The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour had her done up as a glittery Cherokee squaw via designer Bob Mackie. It’s awkward from start to finish, and she rarely performs it any longer. But the track boasts studio backing by the Wrecking Crew, so there’s that.

SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH/ Dan Hill (1977)

With his abundance of facial hair and earnest vulnerability, Dan Hill was either an avatar for the 70s Self-Help movement or a cult. The uber-sensitive singer/songwriter wrote this one about a 2-month relationship with a woman whose feelings didn’t quite match his own. Years later in interviews about this tortured track, he still gets choked up recounting the story.

Still.

BILLY, DON’T BE A HERO/Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods (1974)

This passionate plea for a young soldier to “keep your head low” was originally recorded by UK group Paper Lace. Ohio group Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods got a gold record out of the story of a woman pleading for her lover to stay safe during an unnamed war. This writer suspects a sniper took Billy out because he couldn’t take another note.

(YOU’RE) HAVING MY BABY/Paul Anka (1974)

OK, on paper, writing a song honoring the mother of your four daughters is a lovely sentiment, especially when it hits #1. But years later, the “cringe” factor remains; many women at the time (and now) felt it was thoroughly patronizing (ya think?!).

FEELINGS/Morris Albert (1975)

Brazilian singer Morris Albert really leaned into the Deeply Vulnerable thing with this track, repeating the word “feelings” 23 times. The mock-worthy chorus of “whoa, whoa, whoas” is meant to evoke his inability to get memories of a lost love out of his head. Might we recommend some ayahuasca followed by electroshock therapy?

YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE/Debby Boone (1977)

Her dad, Pat, was famous for sanitizing early rock hits like Little Richard’s “Tutti Frutti.” So Debby kept the squeaky-clean vibe all in the family with this song, written as the theme to a forgettable movie of the same name. It won a Grammy as the biggest hit of ’77,  but, listener beware: the enduring sugar content still has the power to launch anyone into an immediate diabetic coma.

SEASONS IN THE SUN/Terry Jacks (1974)

First recorded in France in 1961, singer Terry Jacks felt the original version was too dark (that’s the French for you). So he tweaked the lyrics to reflect a childhood friend who was dying of leukemia at the time. In 1970, the Beach Boys took a crack at the song, but even they scrapped it, admitting it was too wimpy.

AFTERNOON DELIGHT/Starland Vocal Band (1976)

The two couples who comprised the group were so damn wholesome and cute; they even worked with John Denver. With their lovely harmonies, it was easy to miss that in this track, they were singing about a steamy mid-day boink session. Would it have reached #1 if, oh say, Prince had sung it? Scratch that: the Purple One wouldn’t have touched it with someone else’s 10-foot pole.

MUSKRAT LOVE/Captain and Tennille (1976)

It’s another ’70s song about sex, only this Number 4 hit is about two semi-aquatic rodents getting it on. If that’s not weird enough, consider that before “Ventura Highway” and “Tin Man,” America recorded an even earlier version. As for songwriter Willis Allan Ramsey, check his browser history.

OK, because the 70s were, well, just so “70s,” it’s obvious that we’ve missed some truly terrible tracks. What’s one that should make the list? Share it in the comments!

-Cindy Grogan

Photo: The Captain and Tennille, ’76 (public domain)